Studio Tools – Control Yourself

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The Emotionator™

With unique patented biphasal endlocking circuitry, Williams Fendel bracketing and top of the line inter-primed analog DSP exploiting sophisticated sophoreal algorithms The Emotionator™ is the finest tool in the Everyday Use rack. Never again be at a loss for what to feel. Tweak to your heart’s content as all emotions are modulated according to your very own settings. Angry? Pull back on that fader and slide up the love. Not pissed off enough? Crank that sucker up to 11, phase out all guilt and get maddening. No studio is complete without The Emotionator™. Worried a client won’t like your final mix? Demo not sounding good enough to pop in the mail? Never fear again, just modulate your anxieties away. Box comes shipped with a stunning array of nuanced emotional presets for every occasion or just twiddle away and surprise yourself!

The Emotionator™, you`ll wonder how you lived without one your whole life.

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The Argumentator™

Are your arguments getting a bit stale? Does it feel like the bottom end of the point you are trying to make is all flabby and undefined while highs are shrill and ceaselessly tearing at your eardrums? Not to mention that muddy middle ground! Emotional and social awkwardness hampering your interactions? Never fear because The Argumentator™ is here! With a unique and patent pending gender cross over filter, The Argumentator™, using qualitative stasis underpinned my metric (rather than incremental) step links, is a powerful tool to make up for your lack of emotional maturity and short term memory. Argued yourself, by way of a meandering circle, into a corner? No problem! An onboard HD with a full 256mb of ram can hold up to four key points, or “incriminators”, for instant recall via the easy to use push/retrieve control inputs. Realtime feedback of input vs output means you can monitor not only what you are saying what what the other person is hearing too, even at different bit depths!

An added feature is our proprietary NSO/PSO (Negative/Positive Sentiment Overide) technology. Remember how her cute little pixie laugh used to make you all warm and fuzzy inside but now it grates on your nerve like a razor blade across your achilles heel? Well that’s because you are over riding positive sentiments with negative ones, so it is now possible to dial back the NSO pump the PSO and fluff up inside over her annoying cackle! Also added to this feature is the ability to modulate and filter criticism, contempt defensiveness and stonewalling, the so called four horsemen of a doomed relationship.


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The Vanity Modulator™

Pioneering the way in emotional attenuation The Vanity Modulator™ is just what the ego ordered. Elastic pre-phensing, with micro-controllling trivetic accentuators (abbreviating all phrectic spatials) make the human ego your play ground. Our patented (pending FDA approval) elastic pre-phensing inflates ego without any need for actual merit. In side by side double douche bagged studio tests done with some of the music industry’s biggest assholes The Vanity Modulator™ has proven indistinguishable from the real thing. Professional or Beginner? No problem! Just run though some of our basic presets, crank up that arrogance and inflate your ego to Rock Star levels – it has never been easier. Alternatively if you are already a massive prick, use The Vanity Modulator™ to scale back on the douche and reap the rewards of modesty and humility.

The Vanity Modulator™ a powerful tool so you don’t have to be one.


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The Intelligence Modificator™

Big word hard? Long sentence hard? Too bad for you! People always mis-underestimating you? No Fun! Here’s Fun! Here is a new tool to make you brain work better. By turning a few knobs here and there for the very first time in human history, nay the universe at large, direct manipulation of the neurological functions of the human mind have been achieved. As part of its statutory remit to control inhibitory neurotransmitters in relation to the organisation and operation of neural networks and spatial thematics, the Intelligence modificator is tits! Dial in an IQ and never look stupid again, or alternatively if your sharp wit and book reading skills are keeping you out of the pants of a certain someone, notch it down a few points and you’ll never read away a lay again.

The Intelligence Modificator™, you’ll never think about it again.

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The Skeptometer™ 106

Tired of sifting through the onslaught of modern media? Wish you had a tool that could sort the mushrooms from the bullshit? Look no further. Skeptometer™ 106 technology, namely it’s Bi-matriculated endochronetic cruspulations, yielding no more than 106 archons per sufficiency relapse, indicates massive results in terms of spillage and out of phase conflations, common factors when factoring in multiple streams of differing data. Now, for the first time, with The Skeptometer™ 106, you modulate these streams and strip out all unnecessary augmentation, but based on your own preferences! Tired of hyperbole and hype? A simple fader action will remove it completely! Or if you are overwhelmed by “facts” a few tweaks here and there will make them all go away. No artifacts, no noise just, clean, modulated media from all forms of devices. Analog or digital, combine streams, or separate them into individual channels.

The shining feature is the patented Skeptometer™ – a simple twist of the dial and the filter automatically adjusts to your desired level of skepticism – from spectacular stupidity to ignorance is bliss, to I don’t want to live on this planet anymore, your skepticism is now entirely within your control.

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The Bullshit-o-meter™

An absolute must for the modern urbanite the B-O-M™ is an indispensable tool to weed out charlatans from charlottes. It’s simple to use because of its cutting edge passive attenuation and easy to use graphical UI. A quick look at the meter levels will give you an accurate reading, to within 1/10 000ths of a fuck, in terms of how many to give.

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© 2011 Shane Berry